If You Were Lucky Enough

The morning I found out that my dad had died, I kept saying "I'm sorry." Out loud, over and over throughout the day and for some reason, it made me feel better.

I'm sorry that the last thing I said to you was "is Mom there?"

I'm sorry I didn't call you while you were in the hospital.

I'm sorry I wasn't a better daughter.

But really, I think the sorry was as much about regret as it was about guilt. That I wasn't there with the family at the hospital when it happened. That I didn't get to put my arms around him and tell him how much he meant to me before he left. If I could have just done that.

So I say it every chance I get, to anyone who didn't know him well. "I wish you could have known him."

Dad was soft-spoken, but very opinionated. He was incredibly patient with his family and friends, but cantankerous over the exorbitant salaries of professional athletes! He was very human and had weaknesses, but was one of the hardest workers I have ever met. He never stopped working to better himself.

One of the many reasons I fell in love with my husband was because he was a lot like my dad: unassuming, scholarly, humble, kind, and careful about the things he chose to say.

Our friends and family have been incredibly comforting and supportive. I have been so grateful. But in the end, no one can provide what would be the greatest comfort of all. No one can make it so he walks through the garage door again, back from an errand for my mom. No one can bring him back to his rocker recliner so I can drink Winder chocolate milk with him.

I will see him again. But I wish it was tomorrow, and not some unknown time in the future.

I love you, Dad.


  1. I am sorry! I lost my Grandma, who was only 76, on Christmas Day. I am super close to her. I am sad everyday. Yes, I am comforted that I will see her again but like you I wish it were sooner. Death is so hard. Just know that you have people thinking about you. Your Dad is watching over you... you will feel him around you. I am sorry!

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  3. I'm so sorry. What an honest and tender post. The only thing I know for sure from the passing of my mother three years ago is to be patient with yourself. Grief is an terrible and incredible journey...I've been thinking of you and wrote a little experience about my mom on my blog today. I hope you read it and even if it's not what you need to hear or understand. I hope you know I'm thinking of you and your family. *hugs*

  4. He was the best...love the post.

  5. Deb -- your dad sounds like a dream. So sorry for you and your family. I know how much you loved him.

    Also -- your new boy baby is a dream if I do say so myself.

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  7. Deb, I'm so sorry to read this. It's so hard to lose a parent. I hope you can find peace. I sure do love you!

    All my best,


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